in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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