i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
