Fuck appropriateness.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize