Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
