i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
