Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
