I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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