96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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