ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
worst night to have a conscience
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
