dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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