The maid of honor just puked.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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