fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize