Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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