I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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