So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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