I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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