u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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