i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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