i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
