It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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