i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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