But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
