We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
