You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
