Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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