I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
