Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
