So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
