WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I want her autograph on my taint
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
