Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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