Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
