There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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