Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
