meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
