When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
