Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
