My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
