Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
