i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
