I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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