Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
