Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
