Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
