i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
