I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
