Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
