I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
