I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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