I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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