yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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