just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
