I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
