she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The air taste purple.
Randomize
