so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
