I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
