I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
