i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
